How To Deal with Sexual Frustration: Advice for Men

Sex? What’s sex? You haven’t had it in so long you’ve almost forgotten what it is. Or maybe you’re getting laid, just not as often as you’d like.

You’re cranky. Angry. Agitated.

That is what’s known as sexual frustration, when your sexual needs aren’t being met.

A number of factors can cause sexual frustration. We’ll touch on all of the major ones in this blog post, but we’re going to zoom in on two primary causes: erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety.   

“Sexual frustration is a problem for many of my patients, especially those who have been dealing with ED and performance anxiety,” says urologist and surgeon Paul Thompson, M.D. “In fact, sexual frustration is the driving factor behind why men are motivated to overcome the awkwardness of talking about their erectile dysfunction with their doctor.”

What Is Sexual Frustration?

In simple terms, sexual frustration is when you’re not getting what you want or need in your sex life. If you’re not getting enough sex, feeling sexually frustrated is normal. Some of the negative emotions associated with sexual frustration, such as anxiety or anger, are also normal, although not productive as they might start to impact your relationship with your partner.  

How To Know If You’re Sexually Frustrated

You can suspect that you’re sexually frustrated if you have unmet sexual needs. Sexuality is an important part of our well-being, so if you’re being deprived, it’s understandable it may cause some negative feelings. 

Sexual frustration signs include:

• Being irritable or moody

• Feeling angry or resentful

• Problems with focus and concentration

• Feeling restless

• Inability to relax

• Thinking about sex a lot

• Arguing a lot with your partner

• Not satisfied with your sexual encounters

• Feeling stressed or anxious.

Some of these signs of sexual frustration can also be caused by other things. For example, excessive stress at work can spill over into your home life and your relationship and be confused with sexual frustration. It may not be your unmet sexual needs that are the problem but rather trying to meet deadlines and feeling overwhelmed. 

Research has shown that sexual frustration can be the result of frustration over not feeling that you’re meeting your purpose in life.(1)  It may also be related to feeling out of control in other areas of your life that have nothing to do with sex, leading to displaced frustration.(1) 

Other stressful situations like taking care of an elderly relative or dealing with work stress can also wear you down and affect your sexual relationship.

Sexual frustration’s impact on mental health is another consideration. Sexual frustration can lead to depression, which can further affect your relationship. Talking about your feelings with a sex therapist is one way to relieve your frustration and support your mental health.

Causes of Sexual Frustration in Men

There are many causes of sexual frustration in men. Here are some of those causes and advice on how to deal with each of them:

• Erectile dysfunction

• Performance anxiety

• Not having as much sex as you’d like

• A sexless marriage

• Low libido from mental stress or physical injuries

• Premature ejaculation 

• Being single and not having a sexual partner

Erectile Dysfunction as a Cause of Sexual Frustration

ED is a common type of sexual dysfunction in men. It’s a common cause of sexual frustration that we’ll dive into more later in this blog post. 

Performance Anxiety

One of the most common sexual concerns, sexual performance anxiety happens when you become insecure about sexual activity. Maybe you have a new partner and you’re shy. Or maybe you have ED and you’re worried about whether you’re going to live up to your partner’s expectations. For some men, factors like a poor body image can cause performance anxiety.

If you have sexual performance anxiety, then seeing a sex therapist may help. It’s also important to tackle the mental health reasons why you’re anxious about becoming physically intimate with someone. Or if erectile dysfunction is causing your performance anxiety, then take a look at our advice below about how to deal with sexual frustration caused by ED.

Not Having As Much Sex As You’d Like

There might be a discrepancy between how much sex you want to have and how much your partner wants. Your partner’s sex drive and sexual desire just isn’t as intense as yours. You may want to get busy under the sheets a few times a week whereas your partner only wants to have sex once a week. As a result, you experience sexual frustration and aren’t getting your sexual needs met.

Or maybe your partner is working long hours or working while going back to school. They want to have more sex, but they’re tired and are having a hard time figuring out when to connect with you.

The key here is to openly communicate with each other to find a solution to your sexual frustration. See if you or your partner could take a day or an evening off of work so the two of you can reconnect for some sexual satisfaction. Improving communication between the two of you can give you a sense of your partner’s feelings.

Realistically, though, if your partner is trying to accomplish a goal, like going back to school or trying to get a promotion, you may need to be supportive and compromise, even if it means postponing your sexual needs for a while. 

A Sexless Marriage

If you and your spouse have stopped being physically intimate, it understandably can make you feel sexually frustrated. 

Sometimes, the lack of sex happens because you’re suffering from erectile dysfunction and you avoid sex because you worry you won’t be able to perform in bed. If that’s the case, see our pointers below about overcoming the sexual frustration that occurs with ED. 

If the two of you aren’t having sex, it’s a good idea to seek out a couples’ therapist or sex therapy. They can help you have open communication about why you’ve stopped having sex with your partner. 

You might also want to read our blog post about how erectile dysfunction can lead to sexless relationships. 

Mental Stress or Physical Injuries

If you’re under a lot of stress, sex might take a backburner to your other responsibilities, making you experience sexual frustration. 

Stress can also lead to lack of sleep, which in turn leads to low energy and can affect your mental health. If you’re dragging, you don’t exactly want to initiate sex, or even if you do, you might not have enough energy to perform. 

Likewise, if you injured yourself physically, you might be in too much chronic pain for sexual activity. If your partner is injured and in pain, their sexual desire might take a hit and lead to you feeling sexually frustrated. Some medications used to treat the pain also may cause erectile dysfunction, which can cause you to become even more sexually frustrated.   

Premature Ejaculation 

Premature ejaculation occurs when a man ejaculates sooner than he or his partner would like during at least half of sexual encounters.  

According to The World Health Organization (WHO) premature ejaculation is "the inability to delay ejaculation sufficient to enjoy lovemaking, which is manifested by either an occurrence of ejaculation before or very soon after the beginning of intercourse or ejaculation occurring in the absence of sufficient erection to make intercourse possible."(2)

Premature ejaculation is the most common sexual dysfunction in men with at least 30% of men suffering from the condition.(2) Premature ejaculation can cause sexual frustration and lead to unfulfilled sexual desires as well as sexual shame.

Relationship Status

If your relationship status is single, you may not have anyone to have sex with. Of course, this can leave you sexually frustrated. The best bet in this case is to consider  solo sex until you find a suitable partner. You can also exercise or participate in enjoyable hobbies to take your mind off your sexual frustration. Who knows? You might even meet a new partner while participating in those activities. 

How To Overcome Sexual Frustration Caused by ED

If you’re wondering how to deal with sexual frustration caused by erectile dysfunction, the best way is to resolve your ED, either through lifestyle measures or by treating it directly. Erectile dysfunction isn’t a fact of life as you grow older—there are ways to conquer ED.

Lifestyle Factors to Increase Sexual Satisfaction 

Lifestyle can play a role in erectile dysfunction. The most common lifestyle factors that can impact sexual function include:

• Diet. Research has shown that a Mediterranean diet is great for sexual health.(3) This involves eating lots of vegetables and fruit, fish, olive oil, nuts, and whole grains. Avoid sugary desserts and processed foods. This type of diet can also reduce your risk of diabetes and heart disease, two conditions associated with ED.

• Exercise. Studies show that regular physical exercise improves erectile function through different means such as improving blood sugar, regulating arterial pressure, producing nitric oxide, and supporting healthy hormone levels.(4) Exercise also increases the effectiveness of ED treatments.(4)  Aerobic exercise with moderate-to-vigorous intensity is the most effective in improving erectile function.(4)  It’s also a great way to blow off some of the steam you feel from being sexually frustrated.

Other Strategies to Combat Erectile Dysfunction and Sexual Frustration

ED medications

These are often the first choice of many men. However, they can stop working over time and can cause side effects that make some men feel frustrated. 

Acoustic soundwave therapy (Li-ESWT)

In this type of therapy, beneficial soundwaves penetrate penile tissue to improve erectile function. Although some men’s clinics offer this type of therapy, you can now use an at-home device that’s just as effective at a fraction of the cost as in-clinic therapy. Acoustic soundwaves can help you have a more satisfying sexual experience.

Penis pumps

Another way to deal with sexual frustration caused by ED, penis pumps, which increase  blood flow into the penis by creating vacuum pressure. in order to become erect.  A penis pump can lead to an erection suitable for sexual intercourse in most men with erectile dysfunction. Penis pumps work well together with acoustic soundwave therapy, making it even more effective.  

Visiting a Sex Therapist

If the cause of your erectile dysfunction is more psychological than physical, seeing a sex therapist can help relieve your ED and your sexual frustration. If your urologist rules out any physical or lifestyle causes, you can ask for a referral to a good sex therapist who can find the root psychological cause of your ED and address issues like poor body image.    

Frequently Asked Questions About Sexual Frustration in Men

How do I tell if I’m sexually frustrated?

Signs that you’re sexually frustrated include:

• Being irritable or moody

• Feeling angry or resentful

• Problems with focus and concentration

• Feeling restless

• Inability to relax

• Thinking about sex a lot

• Arguing a lot with your partner

• Not satisfied with your sexual encounters

• Feeling stressed or anxious.

If you’re experiencing some of the symptoms of sexual frustration, the first step is to make sure the problem is sexual frustration and not something going on in other areas of your life such as stress at work. If you’re involved with a partner, the frustration you’re feeling may not involve your relationship at all but rather outside factors.

How to suppress sexual frustration?

Sexual frustration shouldn’t be suppressed so much as it should be dealt with, depending upon the cause of the frustration. If your sexual frustration is caused by erectile dysfunction, then it’s best to find solutions to that problem such as lifestyle approaches, ED medications, acoustic soundwave therapy, and using a penis pump. 

If your sexual frustration is because you and your partner aren’t having as much sex as you like, then talk to your partner about how the two of you can have more sex. 

If you have sexual performance anxiety, then visiting a sex therapist may improve your insecurities and help you become more sexually satisfied.

What to do when you’re single and sexually frustrated?

If you’re not in a relationship, it’s easy to have feelings of frustration over your lack of a sex life. You can relieve your sexual dissatisfaction by relying on self-pleasure until you find a partner. You can also focus on hobbies and activities you enjoy to take your mind off your frustration. 

Sources:

1. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1977-03364-001

2. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31536307/

3. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28721287/

4. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30873650/